A Few Things I Hope We Can All Agree About

Recent events have caused me to prayerfully reflect on the challenges faced by gay Mormons. There is, of course, much that I do not know and do not understand. However, there are a few things that I believe strongly, and that I hope we can all agree about:

People do not choose same-sex attraction. There are at least three reasons why I believe this:

1.       I did not choose to be attracted to the opposite sex. I just am, and always have been. I cannot imagine that it would be possible for me to change.

2.      I personally know gay people who most certainly did not want to be attracted to the same sex, and would have done just about anything not to be.

3.      So-called “conversion therapy” has not worked (and in many cases has been harmful) for the vast majority of people who have tried it.

Even if you don’t believe me, believe the LDS Church, whose official website states that “individuals do not choose to have [same-sex] attractions….”

Of course, the Church’s website also points out that people “do choose how to respond to them.” Which brings me to my next point.  

Being celibate is extremely difficult. In order to remain in good standing in the LDS Church, gays must remain celibate. It is impossible for someone like myself — a straight man who is happily married with four beautiful daughters — to understand just how difficult this requirement is.

My marriage is the most important relationship in my life. It provides companionship, intimacy, comfort, support, camaraderie, and love in a way that no other relationship possibly could. I cannot express how grateful I am to my wife for the life we have built together and the memories we share. And when everything goes wrong and life is at its most challenging, it is so comforting to have a hand to hold.

One who remains celibate will never have that kind of relationship in this life. Now I am certainly not saying that celibate gays (or single people generally) cannot live happy, meaningful lives. That is obviously not true. I am simply acknowledging my own ignorance about how difficult it must be for our gay family and friends who want to be married but who also want to remain active in the LDS Church.

For those of us who have the blessings of marriage and companionship, it can be far too easy to offer up trite platitudes to our gay family and friends, ignoring the harsh realities of loneliness that the path of celibacy demands.

The challenges faced by celibate gays are even more severe than those faced by single heterosexuals. Gays who remain celibate are doing something that is not asked of anyone else in the LDS Church. As Elder Marlin Jensen has said:

[S]ome people argue sometimes, well, for the gay person or the lesbian person, we’re not asking more of them than we’re asking of the single woman who never marries. But I long ago found in talking to them that we do ask for something different: In the case of the gay person, they really have no hope. A single woman, a single man who is heterosexual in their thinking always has the hope, always has the expectation that tomorrow they’re going to meet someone and fall in love and that it can be sanctioned by the church. But a gay person who truly is committed to that way of life in his heart and mind doesn’t have that hope. And to live life without hope on such a core issue, I think, is a very difficult thing.

Our love for and association with our gay family and friends should not be conditional on their celibacy. Some gay Mormons — including some who believe in many of the teachings of the LDS Church — believe that living a celibate life is not what God wants them to do. Consequently, they may decide to pursue a romantic relationship with someone of the same sex. This decision can evoke strong emotions from LDS family and friends.

Whether or not we believe that same-sex relationships are sinful, those of us who strive to be disciples of Christ should love our gay family and friends regardless of whether they remain celibate or not. And by “love,” I don’t mean some special, limited definition of the word that we only use when talking about gay people; I mean that we should associate with them, have fun with them, include them in family activities, exchange birthday and Christmas presents with them, help them when they need it, etc. As Elder Cook recently said:

As a church, nobody should be more loving and compassionate. Let us be at the forefront in terms of expressing love, compassion and outreach. Let’s not have families exclude or be disrespectful of those who choose a different lifestyle as a result of their feelings about their own gender.

We simply must stop using the phrase “love the sinner, hate the sin.” As Christian author Justin Lee explains: 

“[L]ove the sinner, hate the sin” feels very different depending on which side of the table you’re sitting on. To the person doing the “loving,” it feels very generous: Even though this person is a sinner, I’m going to treat them with love and compassion!

However, it doesn’t feel very generous at all when someone is saying it about you. Yes, I know I’m a sinner, as we all are, but something about the phrase feels condescending and dehumanizing, as if I’m now “the sinner” rather than the person’s friend or neighbor, and “loving” me has become the new project they’ve taken on out of obligation to God rather than a genuine interest in my well-being. 

People who say “love the sinner, hate the sin” may very well have good intentions. But this phrase is corrosive to relationships.

The LDS Church needs its gay members. I suspect that the requirement of celibacy coupled with the LDS Church’s new policies will likely mean that few gay people will participate in the Church to any meaningful extent. This is tragic, especially for those of us who remain in the Church. We need our gay sisters and brothers (and their children) among us. We need their unique perspectives on the gospel. They are a vital part of the body of Christ.